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dimecres, 22 d’octubre de 2014

Why the movie and blanket option is better than sleeping with someone. The sofa has no friends or parents.


All we carry inside an octogenarian, fighting constantly for control our whole being. It comes out on certain occasions timidly, like when we were shocked to see an artist doing twerking, when we calculate the price of something in pesetas (previous Spanish currency), when we dance a minuet or, alarmingly, when to pick up the phone a boost from another era makes us pronounce that ridiculous "digamelon?" (old spanish joke).

Anyway, the real struggle between 30-year successful  "GQ" reader and Mr. eighty occurs on a Friday around 9 pm when two possible contrasting scenarios arise, generating a debate within us that laugh at 'Sophie's Choice': movie-and-blanket, or be once and for all with that woman who always answers your whatsapp with many emoticons (wink, wink).

You might think that the second option is the best, but if the mass determines to find love is the current fashion, would not immediately become mainstream? (and the mainstream, you know gives us allergy). Will you blindly follow what the Leviathan that, after all, is the same who opted for diamond earrings, men's shirt with cleavage, and vest? Of course not. And as hunters trends we are, we notify you that "the new black" is becoming Vicomte in France, and die just killed by your butler. To reach that end, we will convince you why movie and blanket is better than the remote possibility of going to bed with someone.

Movie and blanket is a plan that you can do in pajamas. And anything you can do in pajamas beats everything else. Think about it, the pajamas only brings good things: you sleep in pajamas, you eat breakfast in pajamas, you abandon groups of "whatsapp" in pajamas. What are you doing dressed? You go dressed to work, you go dressed to the bank, yo go dressed to funerals. People who have succeeded in pajamas: Hugh Hefner. People who have triumphed dressed: Mariano Rajoy (President of Spain, widely criticized). Everything is boring and depressing without needing to put ourselves arbitrarily at any time.

Also, do not forget that if you're going out with the intention of going to bed with someone, comfort disappears when you wear your "underpants to succeed."

The time and effort you invest to reach the main goal of the night (sex!) is exaggerated because of your high expectations. Don't forget that everything you're anticipating when you wear deodorant and dance in front of the mirror with a goofy smile, for the moment only exists in The Land of Imagination. And that country is specialized in go to war against your hopes and annihilate your dreams.

On the other hand, the time you invest in the plan "movie and blanket" is two minutes in putting the movie, and thirty seconds to cover yourself with the blanket. Not to mention the two and a half hours elapsed between Jack wins a poker game until just a damn iceberg ends the greatest love story of all time.

You just have put a foot on the street, you're already spending money. Furthermore, if your plan for tonight is to have a date, even though you two pay things in half, you better not do the sum. With the money you'll leave in bars and restaurants you can buy a bottle of Moët, rent the famous chef Ferran Adria for fry some croquettes, and pay the taxi to home (to her, and to Ferran).

Dates, like a job interviews, always manage to provoke our nerves. We hoarsely, trying to impress the person in front, taking him/her into our achievements and merits, and ended up talking of Carlos, the accountant, who steals the coffee capsules to take it to home. I can't think in any else more mundane.

With "movie and blanket" no worldliness or boredom. In an hour and a half, for example, '(500) Days of Summer', you will have more witty phrases than in a four-year relationship. Because although in your head that date arises wonderful and ends in success, in real life the  elevator's conversations are not eliminated from the 'final cut', the 'long take' since you leave your house until you get to the restaurant don't go accompanied by songs from The Smiths, and the "wild and dreamy" girl that freaks with Amelie, is not Amelie, and spends more money on whiskas (cat's food brand) than in whiskey.

The day after. Let's say you have achieved your target, which is to lie next to the girl of your dreams. Start the emotional crisis. "What does it mean?", "Where are we going?", "Does this make us friends-couple?", "Should I call her?", "I'm not ready for a relationship! I thought I still had a week to live!"

On D-day after a crazy night of movie and blanket, all are advantages: you wake up without a hangover, the sofa never will reject your hugs, blanket never demands an explanation, and if you suddenly discover that, despite a wonderful evening together, the sofa and you don't work together, there will be no long-term complications or hard feelings, because, friends, your "IKEA's customer support" is always available to exchanges and returns.

Translation (sorry, so sloppy), from original GQ article:

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